5 reasons I am giving up on professional sports

5. Statistics

83.7% of pre-game, mid-game, and post-game discussion revolves around statistical probabilities, or more importantly, improbabilities. For it is the latter that determines the gamblers payout. Frankly, I don't want to be told who will win a game and by how much before it happens - why bother play?



4. Drug Enhancements

When I think of drug enhancements I think of the robotic Soviet colossus Ivan Drago who is defeated by the strength and resolve of the all-natural American hero Rocky Balboa.

In the real America, sports heroes are doped up like dying dismembered infantry left in the battlefield. The 2007 Mitchell report sprung a leak in the dam, spilling the names of numerous MLB players who had taken performance enhancing drugs - now including Andy Pettitte, Roger Clemens, Eric Gagne, Mark McGuire, and Barry Bonds. Similarly, in 2009 a confidential poll found 1 in 10 retired NFL players admitted to using steroids. Juiced athletes make great record-smashing sports entertainment until we find out they are just pharmaceutical pawns.




3. Non-Sport-Related Drama

I don't give a flying fuck about Tiger Wood's or any other sports scandal. Since when did an athlete's sex-life have so much to do with the number of touchdowns, goals, assists, knockouts or birdies they are capable of making?




2. Individualism

Who will single-handedly win today's game? Kevin Garnett or Kobe Bryant? Nevermind the 8 other players on the court.

All the pre-game filler to sell jersey's, bobbleheads, and video games makes it seem like there is no one else in the game and no reason to watch when the star player isn't on the field, ice, court, etc. Pro football has long hailed the quarterback as the central playmaker even though his offensive line decides whether or not he gets his legs crippled beneath him. Since Michael Jordan successfully translated individualism into basketball there is an entirely new generation of athletes that want to do everything by themselves.



1. Salaries

If you are making $30 million a year for the next 7 years what incentive is there to win the trophy? You can buy 5 exact replicas of that trophy made with solid gold, studded with diamonds and filled with cocaine.

Some of these figures are so ridiculous, so outrageous, for doing such mundane activities as swinging a bat:

Kimi Räikkönen (Ferrari)
- $153,000,000 (2007-2009)
Michael Vick (Atlanta Falcons)
- $130,000,000 (2005-2014) ---- Terminated in 2006, idiot
Alex Ovechkin (Washington Capitals)
- $124,000,000 (2008-2021)
Kobe Bryant (LA Lakers)
- $136,400,000 (2004-2011)
Alex Rodriguez (NY Yankees)
- $275,000,000 (2008-2017) ---- Largest in history

Things Stephen Harper Does to Seem Human

My new favourite blog

Pet food

Feed me my brothers and sisters.
Carved up into little bits,
their innards
Packed and served in a tiny tin can

What privilege bestowed
Would I bite thy hand?

Photo by Pawel Kuczynski

Selling crap: Top 10 useless items you don't need

I am always fascinated by the proliferation of useless, unnecessary, and wasteful cultural artifacts. I've compiled a small list of some gems chosen from the plethora of stupid trash for sale on the interwebs. I think these objects encapsulate the problems of rampant selfishness and insecurity that dominate our society today. Remember, these things wouldn't exist if people didn't buy them.

10. Electronic Spin-the-Bottle
Price: $29.99
How can you take such a simple concept and make it battery-powered? Well, spinning real bottles can be dangerous - kids can pull muscles, dislocate limbs, or break glass. And it deters underage drinking! not.

9. Pee-pee Bottle
Price: $??.??
These portable piss jugs can be personalized for your kids. The creator claims its more hygienic than using a toilet and "the potty is too big for true on-the-go functionality". Their website offers detailed instructions on how to properly urinate into them.
"Mommy which one is the juice?"

8. Security Checkpoint Toy
Price: $225.99
Play out a real-life security check complete with baggage and armed officers. I'm guessing little Sally isn't getting through easily. Great job Playmobil! Way to capture the extreme fear and distrust of North American security paranoia in a little toy for future utilitarian pawns.

7. Eyelink Communicators>
Price: $89.99
Send a message as "text" to friends from up to 200ft away (and through walls!) using this awkward, bulky headset and armband! This toymaker must have been aware of the rapid obsolescence of such technology. Apparently there is a huge market for kids 'spy' gear. Probably for the same fucked-up kids playing with the jihad-joe security check playset.

6. Wine Glass Necklace Holder
Price: $24.95
If anything I want a device that will safely secure my booze, not loosely dangle it from my drunken, unstable body.

5. Ann Coulter "Right Wing Barbi" Doll/Action Figurine
Price: $Infinity
I'd put it in the microwave to watch her face melt.

4. Girlfriend's Lap Pillow
Price: 9429¥
The Japanese are great at developing and marketing solutions for desperate workaholics. I have since also found 'Boyfriend's Arm' and 'Breast Friend' pillows.

3. Anti-theft Stickers
Price: $5...PER STICKER!!
Even better (free) idea. Lets go out and smash my car up with a bat. That should deter criminals. Why not beat up all my shit? - Then you can sell me more when it doesn't work!

2. Digital Botox (Via Huffington Post)
Price: $43.49
Lets frustrate young girl's physical insecurities ten-fold!

1. Animated Animal Hitch Critters
Price: $24.99
WTF. I don't even know what to say about this.
It seems fitting the number one useless item combines automobiles, exaggerated cartoon animals, and needless ornamentation. I'm thinking how much more useless could this be and the answer is: none more useless.

Germs

This is the age of insane sterilization and sanitization. It's an all out nuclear assault on germs. Nuclear war on salmonella, e.coli, and avian influenza. If I see another goddamn public antibacterial hand-sanitizer displayed I will tear it off the wall and shit on it. Its like taking a sledgehammer to the bacteria on your skin. Its unnecessary and its counterproductive to your health.

Your body has 10 times the amount of bacteria than human cells. You are truly a cesspool of germs. Bacteria symbiotically interact with our internal organs to keep us functioning healthily. Germs keep us alive. Your body is equipped with an army called your immune system which needs to periodically fight to stay active. If you live in a sterile environment, you will be weak and fragile and unprepared when you contract a supervirus from the rancid fast food meats mass produced in filthy Mexican piggeries.

How can people walk around with masks on their faces in complete terror, fear and distrust? Afraid to shake hands. Afraid to go in public places. How will we ever gather a sense of community or humanity in our busy, crowded society? The real epidemic disease lies in the selfishness and individuality that has created disgusting global inequalities.

Kill Your Computer

You will need:
Garbage bags
Gloves
Goggles
Mask
1 litre of Gasoline
Lighter/Matches
5 litres of water
Blunt instrument(s) i.e. bat, hammer, crowbar
Urine (optional)
Bible (optional)

Step 1. Cover hands, eyes, and mouth with protective equipment in order to avoid dangerous binary infections.
Step 2. Detach its 3-pronged tentacles from the outlet. This will remove its food source.
Step 3. Place monitor, tower, and accessories inside seperate garbage bags so they cannot communicate with each other.
Step 4. Carry these computer organs to an open field, far away from any power supply.
Step 5. (Optional) Perform exorcism
Step 6. Use blunt instrument to functionally destroy all computer parts. Be sure to smash the eyes (monitor) and brain (motherboard)
Step 6. Douse items in gasoline
Step 7. Drop a match or lighter. Ensure all parts are engulfed.
Step 8. When parts are sufficiently burned, pour water over the scorched remains. Urination is a possible alternative here as well.
Step 9. Shower immediately and wash hands thoroughly with soap and water.

Unsuitable Campfire Stories

[This story began as a morally-charged rant on humanity's abject contempt for its fellow species and the Darwinian hubris we use to justify extincting them. I should mention that extinctions do not upset me as they used to - Every species will run its course. There is a long cast of dead brothers and sisters in this evolutionary play and we too will be written out when our taxonomic judgement arrives. The story quickly meandered, as they will do under heavy sedation, and came out with a very different, bitter moral about false conveniences.]

I heard recently about one of the greatest tragedies of animal extinction in our short time. The annia was raised to be of use to some ancient Mesopotamian peoples. Its head and body resembled a bull or buffalo but it had cat-like tail and legs. And it flew.

People found that this flying bull-tiger-beast, the annia, was actually quite docile and useful for getting around. They could ride on the creature's back and arrive much faster at their destinations - homes, markets, primitive whorehouses, and so on.

Eventually everyone had an annia. Purple, blue, and green ones, matching ones, two-headed ones. It was really quite a sight.

But the beast had rare violent outbursts, maiming other creatures and occasionally their handlers. People blamed handler misuse to justify their continued breeding and use of the beast as a means of transportation.

The flying bull-tigers grew in such numbers they began devouring any available crops and foliage. They nearly starved their owners. Still, people were stubbornly resolute. Quick and easy transport was worth the burden of handling these beasts. So they continued breeding the annia, whizzing around happily, occasionally getting maimed.

Soon the annia were so numerous they drinking up all the water in the nearby lakes and rivers. People even began providing water from their early aquifers, completely draining the great underground reservoirs.

Facing drought, famine, and violent attacks, the ancient peoples finally deliberated about the use of their beloved annia. They decided they no longer had a use for the burdensome creature. A small group was sent to gather them all.

Angered with the current state of their land, their determination knew no limits. The gang succeeded in rounding up every last living annia in their known world and extincted them -

The beasts were piled into a scrapyard where one by one their tires were yanked from their axles, their interiors stripped, and their bodies crushed into tiny metal cubes so they could no longer maim, starve, or impoverish people. The cubes were piled up into a giant statue of two feet touching together with a plaque reminding everybody to 'Walk and make friends along the way.'

Photo: Brock Davis www.designboom.com