Friday, July 22, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Portrait of a 30lb Fat Cat
2005
2006
2009
2011
"Don't want to be a fat man,
people would think that I was just good fun.
Would rather be a thin man,
I am so glad to go on being one.
Too much to carry around with you,
no chance of finding a woman who
will love you in the morning and all the night time too.
"Don't want to be a fat man,
have not the patience to ignore all that.
Hate to admit to myself half of my problems
came from being fat.
Won't waste my time feeling sorry for him,
I seen the other side to being thin.
Roll us both down a mountain
and I'm sure the fat man would win."
Friday, June 10, 2011
Unsung Hockey Heroes: Perry Pelensky
Perry Pelensky was born May 22, 1962 in Edmonton, Alberta. He won the 1979-80 MVP with Fort Saskatchewan during his youth in the AJHL. He was not drafted until 1981 and joined Springfield in the AHL.
Perry played four games as a professional ice hockey player with the Chicago Black Hawks in 1984. He fought Pat Graham in third period of his first NHL game.
After retirement he went to work in oilfield transportation and construction business, becoming the Calgary branch manager for PentaStar Transportation, Ltd.
CAREER NHL STATISTICS
Years Teams GP G A TP PIM
1984 Chicago 4 0 0 0 5
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
The collapse of a national newspaper
Top stories April 29, 2011:
"Challenge for the NDP: Getting its sudden new supporters to actually vote"
"Don't let the NDP supersize our pension plan"
"Could Layton hurt economy? (Hint: Not your dad’s NDP)"
"Photos of Kate Middleton's dress"
"It's a dream: Experts swoon over Kate's dress" (What experts???)
"Vote on Kate's dress: Hit or Miss?"
[See also the Globe and Mail's heinous endorsement of the "bullheaded" Conservative Leader Stephen Harper on April 28, 2011]
"Challenge for the NDP: Getting its sudden new supporters to actually vote"
"Don't let the NDP supersize our pension plan"
"Could Layton hurt economy? (Hint: Not your dad’s NDP)"
"Photos of Kate Middleton's dress"
"It's a dream: Experts swoon over Kate's dress" (What experts???)
"Vote on Kate's dress: Hit or Miss?"
[See also the Globe and Mail's heinous endorsement of the "bullheaded" Conservative Leader Stephen Harper on April 28, 2011]
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
5 reasons I am giving up on professional sports
5. Statistics
83.7% of pre-game, mid-game, and post-game discussion revolves around statistical probabilities, or more importantly, improbabilities. For it is the latter that determines the gamblers payout. Frankly, I don't want to be told who will win a game and by how much before it happens - why bother play?
4. Drug Enhancements
When I think of drug enhancements I think of the robotic Soviet colossus Ivan Drago who is defeated by the strength and resolve of the all-natural American hero Rocky Balboa.
In the real America, sports heroes are doped up like dying dismembered infantry left in the battlefield. The 2007 Mitchell report sprung a leak in the dam, spilling the names of numerous MLB players who had taken performance enhancing drugs - now including Andy Pettitte, Roger Clemens, Eric Gagne, Mark McGuire, and Barry Bonds. Similarly, in 2009 a confidential poll found 1 in 10 retired NFL players admitted to using steroids. Juiced athletes make great record-smashing sports entertainment until we find out they are just pharmaceutical pawns.
3. Non-Sport-Related Drama
I don't give a flying fuck about Tiger Wood's or any other sports scandal. Since when did an athlete's sex-life have so much to do with the number of touchdowns, goals, assists, knockouts or birdies they are capable of making?
2. Individualism
Who will single-handedly win today's game? Kevin Garnett or Kobe Bryant? Nevermind the 8 other players on the court.
All the pre-game filler to sell jersey's, bobbleheads, and video games makes it seem like there is no one else in the game and no reason to watch when the star player isn't on the field, ice, court, etc. Pro football has long hailed the quarterback as the central playmaker even though his offensive line decides whether or not he gets his legs crippled beneath him. Since Michael Jordan successfully translated individualism into basketball there is an entirely new generation of athletes that want to do everything by themselves.
1. Salaries
If you are making $30 million a year for the next 7 years what incentive is there to win the trophy? You can buy 5 exact replicas of that trophy made with solid gold, studded with diamonds and filled with cocaine.
Some of these figures are so ridiculous, so outrageous, for doing such mundane activities as swinging a bat:
Kimi Räikkönen (Ferrari)
- $153,000,000 (2007-2009)
Michael Vick (Atlanta Falcons)
- $130,000,000 (2005-2014) ---- Terminated in 2006, idiot
Alex Ovechkin (Washington Capitals)
- $124,000,000 (2008-2021)
Kobe Bryant (LA Lakers)
- $136,400,000 (2004-2011)
Alex Rodriguez (NY Yankees)
- $275,000,000 (2008-2017) ---- Largest in history
83.7% of pre-game, mid-game, and post-game discussion revolves around statistical probabilities, or more importantly, improbabilities. For it is the latter that determines the gamblers payout. Frankly, I don't want to be told who will win a game and by how much before it happens - why bother play?
4. Drug Enhancements
When I think of drug enhancements I think of the robotic Soviet colossus Ivan Drago who is defeated by the strength and resolve of the all-natural American hero Rocky Balboa.
In the real America, sports heroes are doped up like dying dismembered infantry left in the battlefield. The 2007 Mitchell report sprung a leak in the dam, spilling the names of numerous MLB players who had taken performance enhancing drugs - now including Andy Pettitte, Roger Clemens, Eric Gagne, Mark McGuire, and Barry Bonds. Similarly, in 2009 a confidential poll found 1 in 10 retired NFL players admitted to using steroids. Juiced athletes make great record-smashing sports entertainment until we find out they are just pharmaceutical pawns.
3. Non-Sport-Related Drama
I don't give a flying fuck about Tiger Wood's or any other sports scandal. Since when did an athlete's sex-life have so much to do with the number of touchdowns, goals, assists, knockouts or birdies they are capable of making?
2. Individualism
Who will single-handedly win today's game? Kevin Garnett or Kobe Bryant? Nevermind the 8 other players on the court.
All the pre-game filler to sell jersey's, bobbleheads, and video games makes it seem like there is no one else in the game and no reason to watch when the star player isn't on the field, ice, court, etc. Pro football has long hailed the quarterback as the central playmaker even though his offensive line decides whether or not he gets his legs crippled beneath him. Since Michael Jordan successfully translated individualism into basketball there is an entirely new generation of athletes that want to do everything by themselves.
1. Salaries
If you are making $30 million a year for the next 7 years what incentive is there to win the trophy? You can buy 5 exact replicas of that trophy made with solid gold, studded with diamonds and filled with cocaine.
Some of these figures are so ridiculous, so outrageous, for doing such mundane activities as swinging a bat:
Kimi Räikkönen (Ferrari)
- $153,000,000 (2007-2009)
Michael Vick (Atlanta Falcons)
- $130,000,000 (2005-2014) ---- Terminated in 2006, idiot
Alex Ovechkin (Washington Capitals)
- $124,000,000 (2008-2021)
Kobe Bryant (LA Lakers)
- $136,400,000 (2004-2011)
Alex Rodriguez (NY Yankees)
- $275,000,000 (2008-2017) ---- Largest in history
Monday, April 4, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Pet food
Feed me my brothers and sisters.
Carved up into little bits,
their innards
Packed and served in a tiny tin can
What privilege bestowed
Would I bite thy hand?
Photo by Pawel Kuczynski
Carved up into little bits,
their innards
Packed and served in a tiny tin can
What privilege bestowed
Would I bite thy hand?
Photo by Pawel Kuczynski
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Selling crap: Top 10 useless items you don't need
I am always fascinated by the proliferation of useless, unnecessary, and wasteful cultural artifacts. I've compiled a small list of some gems chosen from the plethora of stupid trash for sale on the interwebs. I think these objects encapsulate the problems of rampant selfishness and insecurity that dominate our society today. Remember, these things wouldn't exist if people didn't buy them.
10. Electronic Spin-the-Bottle
Price: $29.99
How can you take such a simple concept and make it battery-powered? Well, spinning real bottles can be dangerous - kids can pull muscles, dislocate limbs, or break glass. And it deters underage drinking! not.
9. Pee-pee Bottle
Price: $??.??
These portable piss jugs can be personalized for your kids. The creator claims its more hygienic than using a toilet and "the potty is too big for true on-the-go functionality". Their website offers detailed instructions on how to properly urinate into them.
"Mommy which one is the juice?"
8. Security Checkpoint Toy
Price: $225.99
Play out a real-life security check complete with baggage and armed officers. I'm guessing little Sally isn't getting through easily. Great job Playmobil! Way to capture the extreme fear and distrust of North American security paranoia in a little toy for future utilitarian pawns.
7. Eyelink Communicators>
Price: $89.99
Send a message as "text" to friends from up to 200ft away (and through walls!) using this awkward, bulky headset and armband! This toymaker must have been aware of the rapid obsolescence of such technology. Apparently there is a huge market for kids 'spy' gear. Probably for the same fucked-up kids playing with the jihad-joe security check playset.
6. Wine Glass Necklace Holder
Price: $24.95
If anything I want a device that will safely secure my booze, not loosely dangle it from my drunken, unstable body.
5. Ann Coulter "Right Wing Barbi" Doll/Action Figurine
Price: $Infinity
I'd put it in the microwave to watch her face melt.
4. Girlfriend's Lap Pillow
Price: 9429¥
The Japanese are great at developing and marketing solutions for desperate workaholics. I have since also found 'Boyfriend's Arm' and 'Breast Friend' pillows.
3. Anti-theft Stickers
Price: $5...PER STICKER!!
Even better (free) idea. Lets go out and smash my car up with a bat. That should deter criminals. Why not beat up all my shit? - Then you can sell me more when it doesn't work!
2. Digital Botox (Via Huffington Post)
Price: $43.49
Lets frustrate young girl's physical insecurities ten-fold!
1. Animated Animal Hitch Critters
Price: $24.99
WTF. I don't even know what to say about this.
It seems fitting the number one useless item combines automobiles, exaggerated cartoon animals, and needless ornamentation. I'm thinking how much more useless could this be and the answer is: none more useless.
10. Electronic Spin-the-Bottle
Price: $29.99
How can you take such a simple concept and make it battery-powered? Well, spinning real bottles can be dangerous - kids can pull muscles, dislocate limbs, or break glass. And it deters underage drinking! not.
9. Pee-pee Bottle
Price: $??.??
These portable piss jugs can be personalized for your kids. The creator claims its more hygienic than using a toilet and "the potty is too big for true on-the-go functionality". Their website offers detailed instructions on how to properly urinate into them.
"Mommy which one is the juice?"
8. Security Checkpoint Toy
Price: $225.99
Play out a real-life security check complete with baggage and armed officers. I'm guessing little Sally isn't getting through easily. Great job Playmobil! Way to capture the extreme fear and distrust of North American security paranoia in a little toy for future utilitarian pawns.
7. Eyelink Communicators>
Price: $89.99
Send a message as "text" to friends from up to 200ft away (and through walls!) using this awkward, bulky headset and armband! This toymaker must have been aware of the rapid obsolescence of such technology. Apparently there is a huge market for kids 'spy' gear. Probably for the same fucked-up kids playing with the jihad-joe security check playset.
6. Wine Glass Necklace Holder
Price: $24.95
If anything I want a device that will safely secure my booze, not loosely dangle it from my drunken, unstable body.
5. Ann Coulter "Right Wing Barbi" Doll/Action Figurine
Price: $Infinity
I'd put it in the microwave to watch her face melt.
4. Girlfriend's Lap Pillow
Price: 9429¥
The Japanese are great at developing and marketing solutions for desperate workaholics. I have since also found 'Boyfriend's Arm' and 'Breast Friend' pillows.
3. Anti-theft Stickers
Price: $5...PER STICKER!!
Even better (free) idea. Lets go out and smash my car up with a bat. That should deter criminals. Why not beat up all my shit? - Then you can sell me more when it doesn't work!
2. Digital Botox (Via Huffington Post)
Price: $43.49
Lets frustrate young girl's physical insecurities ten-fold!
1. Animated Animal Hitch Critters
Price: $24.99
WTF. I don't even know what to say about this.
It seems fitting the number one useless item combines automobiles, exaggerated cartoon animals, and needless ornamentation. I'm thinking how much more useless could this be and the answer is: none more useless.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)