Germs

This is the age of insane sterilization and sanitization. It's an all out nuclear assault on germs. Nuclear war on salmonella, e.coli, and avian influenza. If I see another goddamn public antibacterial hand-sanitizer displayed I will tear it off the wall and shit on it. Its like taking a sledgehammer to the bacteria on your skin. Its unnecessary and its counterproductive to your health.

Your body has 10 times the amount of bacteria than human cells. You are truly a cesspool of germs. Bacteria symbiotically interact with our internal organs to keep us functioning healthily. Germs keep us alive. Your body is equipped with an army called your immune system which needs to periodically fight to stay active. If you live in a sterile environment, you will be weak and fragile and unprepared when you contract a supervirus from the rancid fast food meats mass produced in filthy Mexican piggeries.

How can people walk around with masks on their faces in complete terror, fear and distrust? Afraid to shake hands. Afraid to go in public places. How will we ever gather a sense of community or humanity in our busy, crowded society? The real epidemic disease lies in the selfishness and individuality that has created disgusting global inequalities.

Kill Your Computer

You will need:
Garbage bags
Gloves
Goggles
Mask
1 litre of Gasoline
Lighter/Matches
5 litres of water
Blunt instrument(s) i.e. bat, hammer, crowbar
Urine (optional)
Bible (optional)

Step 1. Cover hands, eyes, and mouth with protective equipment in order to avoid dangerous binary infections.
Step 2. Detach its 3-pronged tentacles from the outlet. This will remove its food source.
Step 3. Place monitor, tower, and accessories inside seperate garbage bags so they cannot communicate with each other.
Step 4. Carry these computer organs to an open field, far away from any power supply.
Step 5. (Optional) Perform exorcism
Step 6. Use blunt instrument to functionally destroy all computer parts. Be sure to smash the eyes (monitor) and brain (motherboard)
Step 6. Douse items in gasoline
Step 7. Drop a match or lighter. Ensure all parts are engulfed.
Step 8. When parts are sufficiently burned, pour water over the scorched remains. Urination is a possible alternative here as well.
Step 9. Shower immediately and wash hands thoroughly with soap and water.

Unsuitable Campfire Stories

[This story began as a morally-charged rant on humanity's abject contempt for its fellow species and the Darwinian hubris we use to justify extincting them. I should mention that extinctions do not upset me as they used to - Every species will run its course. There is a long cast of dead brothers and sisters in this evolutionary play and we too will be written out when our taxonomic judgement arrives. The story quickly meandered, as they will do under heavy sedation, and came out with a very different, bitter moral about false conveniences.]

I heard recently about one of the greatest tragedies of animal extinction in our short time. The annia was raised to be of use to some ancient Mesopotamian peoples. Its head and body resembled a bull or buffalo but it had cat-like tail and legs. And it flew.

People found that this flying bull-tiger-beast, the annia, was actually quite docile and useful for getting around. They could ride on the creature's back and arrive much faster at their destinations - homes, markets, primitive whorehouses, and so on.

Eventually everyone had an annia. Purple, blue, and green ones, matching ones, two-headed ones. It was really quite a sight.

But the beast had rare violent outbursts, maiming other creatures and occasionally their handlers. People blamed handler misuse to justify their continued breeding and use of the beast as a means of transportation.

The flying bull-tigers grew in such numbers they began devouring any available crops and foliage. They nearly starved their owners. Still, people were stubbornly resolute. Quick and easy transport was worth the burden of handling these beasts. So they continued breeding the annia, whizzing around happily, occasionally getting maimed.

Soon the annia were so numerous they drinking up all the water in the nearby lakes and rivers. People even began providing water from their early aquifers, completely draining the great underground reservoirs.

Facing drought, famine, and violent attacks, the ancient peoples finally deliberated about the use of their beloved annia. They decided they no longer had a use for the burdensome creature. A small group was sent to gather them all.

Angered with the current state of their land, their determination knew no limits. The gang succeeded in rounding up every last living annia in their known world and extincted them -

The beasts were piled into a scrapyard where one by one their tires were yanked from their axles, their interiors stripped, and their bodies crushed into tiny metal cubes so they could no longer maim, starve, or impoverish people. The cubes were piled up into a giant statue of two feet touching together with a plaque reminding everybody to 'Walk and make friends along the way.'

Photo: Brock Davis www.designboom.com

Tim Horton's: Revitalizing St. John's

City Hall has been working closely with the multi-million dollar coffee franchise, Tim Horton's, to improve the vitality of the province's capital. The St. John's-Tim Horton's Revitalization Strategy was originally conceived back in 2007 to transform the old, archaic city into a lively, attractive modern metropolis. You may already notice thousands of colourful coffee-cup-shaped decorations adorn the city's sidewalks and green spaces, enriching the urban experience for all.

"The ornamentation process wasn't easy", says project coordinator Buck Tansman, "We had several stages of research and development." The first were design and test phases. Several seasonal colour patterns were created and developers coated the ornaments in plastic to ensure their durability. Once the product was approved, a specially-appointed task force charted pedestrian use and mapped possible locations to place the decorations.




Next, municipal workers carefully placed the ornaments in approved locations, crushing them for visual effect. Most recently the crew had in place their bright red/yellow winter palette in to juxtapose the white snow. Workers were silent when asked about the unveiling of the next colour scheme.




The entire ornamentation strategy is running at about half the projected cost of $2.5 million annually. Officials are delighted with the results so far. "City council was hoping to bring the same coherence and unity we see with the Tim Horton's-style schemes of Toronto and Halifax," says Tansman. "I feel we have now achieved that here."




The opinions presented are those of the author and not of Tim Horton's or the City of St. John's (I hope). All names are fictional.

100 Ways to Unnecessarily Complicate Your Life

1. Sugar your own gas tank
2. Become a vegan
3. Sleep standing
4. Hunt extinct animals
5. Eat while exercising
6. Repeat, rinse, THEN lather
7. Divide by 0
8. Vodka + laxatives
9. Burn your possessions
10.Download viruses
11. Lift with your back
12. Staple your feet
13. Practice yodeling on public transit
14. Count everybody you see
15. Deep-fry diet
16. Put plants in a dark closet
17. Tell daughter she was adopted
18. Sneak around
19. Compost seafood in your bedroom
20. Fight Kintaro from MKII
21. Swim upstream
22. Abandon clothing
23. Rhyme things with orange
24. Drive English, make only left turns
25. Turn off lights with entrance, on with exit
26. Limp
27. Speak only in metaphor
28. Use an outhouse
29. Pull your teeth, wear falsies
30. Fall in love with a lesbian
31. Carry guns and daggers in suitcase
32. Enter barking competition with a dog
33. Eat rocks
34. Trespass
35. Make E>MC2
34. Send out ransom letters
35. Play golf in a thunderstorm
36. Shout at children
37. Slide when slippery
38. Tattoo a black smear on your face and black fingertips
39. Feed wildlife
40. Masturbate without using hands
41. Funerals + Fireworks
42. Scream death metal in church
43. Measure once, cut twice
44. Never ask directions
45. Hitchhike nude (see 22)
46. Spike the punch
47. Slapshot breakaway
48. Burp inappropriately during prayers
49. Skate on thin ice
50. Get an arts degree
51. Become a Leafs fan
52. Grammatically correct everybody
53. Find square root of 53
54. Join SETI
55. Make online dating profile with name cuddlebearz
56. Beer before liquor
57. Diamond encrusted gloves
58. Play with matches, build little huts and set them aflame
59. Jagerbombs + final exams
60. Raise 7,2 off-suit every time
61. Sleep with ex...at her place
62. Catnap only
63. Download celine dion ringtone
64. Catch a snarf
65. Stones + glass houses
66. Hide Waldo
67. Complete a cat's cradle
68. Brush teeth with steel wool
69. 'Dyer's Eve' on expert** drums
70. Address porn subscriptions to mother's house
71. Punch a kangaroo
72. Befriend pedophiles
73. Advance money to Nigerian prince
74. Ecstasy + Shakira on repeat
75. Pretend to be a doctor, diagnose and treat patients
76. Encourage vengeful aggression in children
77. Use diapers
78. Mix and match cleaner and beverage containers
79. Offer drugs to junkies, then withdraw offer
80. Smoke in hospitals
81. Hit on the bride
82. Join Greenpeace and hunt seals
83. Cheat at solitaire
84. Keep bees
85. Take the stairs
86. Pick Kung Fu alley fights
87. Photocopy revealing photos of yourself and post them around town
88. Righty loosey, lefty tighty
89. Break mirrors, spill salt
90. Climb without ropes
91. Overload an outlet with useless appliances
92. Funny beards in professional situations
93. Wallpaper your windows
94. Chant for the away team
95. Eat batteries
96. Bring fast food to weight loss clinic
97. Turn volume up to 11
98. Rhubarb meatloaf
99. Reverse vacuum/sweep
100. Change bills for coins

Letter to David P. O'Brien, Chairman RBC

Chairman of the Board
Royal Bank of Canada
200 Bay Street, South Tower
Toronto, ON, Canada M5J 2J5

Mr. Chairman,

I have been with RBC for about the past 10 years now and I feel over this period I have used your automated banking services frequently enough provide some customer insights. Given that you make a small fortune off banking fees (‘convenience fees’ or whatever you call them), I feel you are obligated to directly consult the public on the development, operation, and usability of these devices. Surely, you have invested a fair amount of money into social-psychology research to determine user satisfaction, accessibility, and so on with regards to your automated banking machines. I can save you time and resources with some advice here.

May I suggest that your staff corroborate with the extremely lucrative video-gaming entertainment industry into developing immersive and enjoyable automated banking technology. Perhaps you have not yet noticed the great advances in arcade gaming machines. These are now fully interactive cockpits with force-feedback controls and dynamic, high-resolution displays. Some have specialized control accessories such as dancing mats or drums. We are reaching near-total immersion into hyper-reality, with 360 degree advertisements, music, lights, and remote devices. Massive online multiplayer role-playing games, for example, have millions of subscribers who pay substantial sums of money to be fully immersed in a virtual world.

By comparison, your current automated banking machine technology, although functional, appears dull, tedious, and highly intolerable for the average user with simple text, directional buttons and dial-pads. May I ease your research process by making a few suggestions to bring this archaic technology ‘up to date’, so to speak?

1. How about a highly personal greeting and/or interactive scenario involving a computer-animated AI character similar to princess Zelda or Lara Croft? Perhaps these may be customizable to meet a banking users needs.
2. Include music, lights and high-resolution video. This will compliment the interactive AI customer service menu
3. Instead of directional buttons, how about investing in a wheel ball, joystick, or even a light-gun to select options
4. A vibration function may be installed to indicate an improper action such as “Insufficient Funds” rather than a single-note MIDI buzz.
5. Users may wish to use a gas-pedal device to gauge their withdrawal or deposit amounts
6. A small chat window to discuss problems or concerns with other users. This may also include an online speed-dating program

These small improvements would maintain user-confidentiality but satisfy our visual, auditory, and tactile senses. I suspect these upgrades would significantly increase usage, and so time-limits could be imposed to set a capacity and limit abuse.

If you are going to charge us deal with you, please consider some of these changes
Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Nicholas White




Response:
Received February 23, 2010

Dear Mr White:

(Translation: Hey, douche-bag)

Thank you for your letter addressed to David P. O'Brien, Chairman of the Board Royal Bank of Canada (RBC). Senior managers in the Client Care Centre are responsible for investigating and addressing client concerns and as such, I have been asked to respond on behalf of Mr. O'Brien. RBC appreciates customer feedback as it is used as a valuable tool when evaluating changes to products and services.

(Translation: We have intercepted your rambling buffoonery before reaching our senior executives. However, we are contractually obligated to reply to your comments, no matter how ridiculous or absurd they may be.)

We have forwarded the suggestions for enhancements to our automated teller machines described in your letter to the appropriate manager responsible for such matters for consideration.

(Translation: Even if we agreed with your preposterous suggestions, another department is in charge of these changes. They also do not care.)

Thank you for taking the time to write and for sharing your comments with us.

(Translation: Your letter was burned, your account frozen, and your name has black-listed so we may screen all future requests to ensure this garbage doesn't slip through.)

Sincerely,

XXXXXXX
Sr. Client Care Specialist