Letter to David P. O'Brien, Chairman RBC

Chairman of the Board
Royal Bank of Canada
200 Bay Street, South Tower
Toronto, ON, Canada M5J 2J5

Mr. Chairman,

I have been with RBC for about the past 10 years now and I feel over this period I have used your automated banking services frequently enough provide some customer insights. Given that you make a small fortune off banking fees (‘convenience fees’ or whatever you call them), I feel you are obligated to directly consult the public on the development, operation, and usability of these devices. Surely, you have invested a fair amount of money into social-psychology research to determine user satisfaction, accessibility, and so on with regards to your automated banking machines. I can save you time and resources with some advice here.

May I suggest that your staff corroborate with the extremely lucrative video-gaming entertainment industry into developing immersive and enjoyable automated banking technology. Perhaps you have not yet noticed the great advances in arcade gaming machines. These are now fully interactive cockpits with force-feedback controls and dynamic, high-resolution displays. Some have specialized control accessories such as dancing mats or drums. We are reaching near-total immersion into hyper-reality, with 360 degree advertisements, music, lights, and remote devices. Massive online multiplayer role-playing games, for example, have millions of subscribers who pay substantial sums of money to be fully immersed in a virtual world.

By comparison, your current automated banking machine technology, although functional, appears dull, tedious, and highly intolerable for the average user with simple text, directional buttons and dial-pads. May I ease your research process by making a few suggestions to bring this archaic technology ‘up to date’, so to speak?

1. How about a highly personal greeting and/or interactive scenario involving a computer-animated AI character similar to princess Zelda or Lara Croft? Perhaps these may be customizable to meet a banking users needs.
2. Include music, lights and high-resolution video. This will compliment the interactive AI customer service menu
3. Instead of directional buttons, how about investing in a wheel ball, joystick, or even a light-gun to select options
4. A vibration function may be installed to indicate an improper action such as “Insufficient Funds” rather than a single-note MIDI buzz.
5. Users may wish to use a gas-pedal device to gauge their withdrawal or deposit amounts
6. A small chat window to discuss problems or concerns with other users. This may also include an online speed-dating program

These small improvements would maintain user-confidentiality but satisfy our visual, auditory, and tactile senses. I suspect these upgrades would significantly increase usage, and so time-limits could be imposed to set a capacity and limit abuse.

If you are going to charge us deal with you, please consider some of these changes
Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Nicholas White




Response:
Received February 23, 2010

Dear Mr White:

(Translation: Hey, douche-bag)

Thank you for your letter addressed to David P. O'Brien, Chairman of the Board Royal Bank of Canada (RBC). Senior managers in the Client Care Centre are responsible for investigating and addressing client concerns and as such, I have been asked to respond on behalf of Mr. O'Brien. RBC appreciates customer feedback as it is used as a valuable tool when evaluating changes to products and services.

(Translation: We have intercepted your rambling buffoonery before reaching our senior executives. However, we are contractually obligated to reply to your comments, no matter how ridiculous or absurd they may be.)

We have forwarded the suggestions for enhancements to our automated teller machines described in your letter to the appropriate manager responsible for such matters for consideration.

(Translation: Even if we agreed with your preposterous suggestions, another department is in charge of these changes. They also do not care.)

Thank you for taking the time to write and for sharing your comments with us.

(Translation: Your letter was burned, your account frozen, and your name has black-listed so we may screen all future requests to ensure this garbage doesn't slip through.)

Sincerely,

XXXXXXX
Sr. Client Care Specialist